Competent is Complicated: The To-Do List of Foster/Adoption

So. We've decided to adopt a child through the foster care system in Sacramento County. Now what?

Now, we work. I've been staring at a blank computer screen for nearly a half hour now, trying to figure out how to write this. How to make it interesting and relatable, how to be accurate yet clever. The bottom line is this: The County doesn't really care about the emotional journey that has led us here. They are not interested in my sentimental reflections or [attempted] irreverent wit. They are not impressed by us at all.

They just want to know that we're competent. The thing is, 'competent' is complicated. We're not just talking about caring for a child, we're not even just talking about raising a child, we're talking about parenting a child who has other parents - "real" parents - who have in some way failed at being parents. We're talking about parenting that child in a way that honors those parents while acknowledging the wounds they have caused. Parenting in a way that attempts to heal those wounds no matter how many times they re-open. Parenting in a way that says, "I love you exactly as much as I would if I had carried you in my own belly," yet makes sense of the myriad court hearings and biological parent visitations and other reminders that this child definitely did not grow in my own belly.

So it is understandable that proving our competency is a long and complicated process. I think of it as a parallel pregnancy journey. Weren't we more than happy to attend all of those prenatal doctor appointments? Didn't I voluntarily spend hours googling every pregnancy topic I could think of and checking in each week to see how big our growing baby was, in the universally accepted fruit-measurement system (e.g. "week 15: your baby is as big as an orange now!")? The yoga, the birthing classes, the hospital tour, the trips to Dairy Queen - preparing for a baby all adds up.

This is exactly the same, only totally different. Here's a quick rundown of the steps we're required to take:

1.) Orientation Meeting. A general overview of the foster care system and the foster to adopt process. (3 hours)

2.) Application. Over 30 pages, took about 5 hours to complete. Every insurance policy number, everywhere we lived and worked, an essay about our upbringing, an essay about why we're doing this, our thoughts on discipline, personal information about our marriage, how much money we make, how much money we spend, more.

3.) Four personal (non-family) referrals. We provide names and addresses and the county mails them each a referral questionnaire so that we never see it.

4.) CPR & First Aid Certification

5.) Physical exam

6.) TB test

7.) Two sets of fingerprints (each)

8.) Eight weeks of parenting classes. (24 hours total)

9.) An additional "regulations" class (3 more hours)

10.) Home Inspection. To make sure everything is childproof, there are adequate smoke detectors, fire extinguishers, etc.

*** At this point we will be certified to be foster parents, but not yet approved to be adoptive parents. Prospective adoptive parents (that's us) generally don't have a child placed with them until they are approved for adoption.

11.) Home Study. A series of 3 to 4 interviews conducted over the course of a few months - including interviewing us separately - to make sure we can hack it and that our marriage can hack it.

We're currently just about at step ten. Sacramento County currently has TWO social workers that do Adoption Home Studies (there are over 3,400 children in the foster care system in the greater Sacramento region, for those of you keeping score at home). Due to this severe under staffing, we've been told that our Home Study probably won't be completed until 6-9 months from the time our application was received.

So we wait. And we work. And we pray.